It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
