im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
