You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
