I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
