I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
