he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
two words...techno handjob
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize