the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
barbara walters just said penis...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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