im drinking this country out of the recession.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
