She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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