Swine flu. Run for my life!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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