If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Someone signed my nipple.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
