just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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