I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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