the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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