If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
