Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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