I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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