I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
