he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
