I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
