You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
