Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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