dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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