got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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