I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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