Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
