Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
