i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The power of my boobs compel you
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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