just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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