Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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