I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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