Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
