I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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