I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
cat food counts as protein by the way
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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