the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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