my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
