and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
