Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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