Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
