just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
