Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
