I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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