They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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