I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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