Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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