Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
