i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
