how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
