He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
