I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
