I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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