i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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