I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
