First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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