I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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